Drew, September 2023
Drugs, sex, alcohol. . This world offers plenty of it! Go ahead and handle your business and bury anybody who stands in your way. Money, power, and respect is all you need to be somebody it seems. Once you gain that, the world is yours! Or is it?
Depression has no boundaries. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, what you do for a living, how many people you have helped or how popular you are. It doesn’t care about your life, your kids, your wife, your family, your friends or how heroic you’ve been in your lifetime. If it wants you bad enough it will seek you out, it WILL find you and it will do everything it can to steal your joy, kill your spirit and ultimately destroy you. Depression isn’t just about having a bad day or feeling sad about something. It is literally a stretching and twisting of your soul and spirit, a relentless demonic attack against every fiber of your being.
My depression started when I was in high school. I had a relationship with a girl for two years until the point when she decided to move on to new things. I know that’s probably one of the most cliché experiences to talk about, and cheesy to say the least. Regardless, that’s where it all began, and that’s where depression found me. After the breakup I decided to live carefree. I gave up on love because my heart was gutted and torn to pieces. Instead of bettering myself I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. After all, my friends were drinking at the time and they always seemed happy, so I figured that must be the key! Alcohol became my crutch, it was how I handled the pain deep inside me. I enjoyed getting drunk because I became numb, it made me not have a care in the world. Little did I know the depression was burrowing deeper and deeper with every sip. It had already infiltrated my heart and made it sick, now it was searching to attack my very core! It attached itself to my soul and spirit like some kind of parasite; a tick that had embedded itself into the very center of my being. The depression was slowly eating away at the life force within me and I didn’t even realize it. As time went on, it only got worse. I started noticing when it was about to attack. Anyone who has battled this sickness knows what I’m talking about right now. You can feel it moving inside you, you can feel it when it’s about to invade. Your entire body seems to have a reaction towards it. It’s like when the hairs on the back of your neck stand up because you feel someone or something is watching you. It was then I realized depression wasn’t just about having a broken heart, it was literally like some kind of entity had somehow attached itself to me. It was alive and it could move all around me and through me. I was always afraid when I knew it was coming. It would scare me to death because my thoughts and feelings would turn pitch black. I would stay this way for days at a time, sometimes weeks! In these moments I would run to alcohol because it gave me the illusion that it was gone and I was happy again.
After a while of dealing with this new “friend” of mine, I began to get used to living in the dark. This new place I was trapped in was hopeless and void of any light. There was nothing good there, only dark thoughts and visions of dark things. This new prison it had built around my mind became my home. Like the movie Shawshank redemption, my name was carved into the wall of my cell. After so many attempts to get out, I finally accepted my reality. I often thought to myself : “This is never going to end, either I deal with it or I end my life to be free from this torment.”
I decided to try and end it all. While watching tv at 3 in the morning I wrapped a threaded belt around my neck and pulled as tight as I could, the belt locked and I could feel the blood beginning to rush to my head. As I sat in my bed waiting for the moment I would pass out (which seemed closer and closer) I felt something speak to my heart. It said “call your brother!!” At first I ignored it hoping everything would end soon, but it just kept repeating itself and getting louder and louder. I finally decided to stop and call my brother. It took everything inside of me to pop the lock on the belt to release the tension, I felt extremely weak, which didn’t help the situation either, but I finally got the belt to release. After a few minutes of allowing myself to recover my thoughts, I called my brother. Surprisingly he was still up having fun with his roommates in college so I put on a fake smile and joked with him for about an hour or so and went to bed. I never told anyone about that night until years later, not even him. But that voice saved me.
I remember doing things that would cause me physical pain because it felt so much better than the prison of mental and emotional pain. I would scratch my knuckles on brick walls and sharp metal corners of tables at school until they bled. I would use staplers and staple my arms multiple times just for the hell of it because in the moment, it felt good. If there was anything that could hurt me, I was interested in it. I played football so getting hit was always a rush, and hitting people was even better! I would release everything inside of me every time I hit someone, I made it my goal to try and hurt them. It became a like a game to me, and it was almost euphoric. On top of that, I was good at it. Eventually I earned a scholarship to play football in college so I left home and took my depression with me. The drinking got worse in college (no surprise there) but it also wasn’t doing the trick like it used to. I decided to move on to harder, stronger substances; smoking weed, popping pills, eating shrooms, taking ecstasy, snorting cocaine or finding hook ups with women. Pretty much anything I could get my hands on to get numb I would do. Eventually after a few years of playing football in college I decided it wasn’t for me anymore and chose to walk away. Once I was done playing football I lost my identity in who I was. After all, football was all I knew and it was also all I was known for.
My depression got even worse and my outbursts of anger were uncontrollable at this point. It didn’t take much for someone to make me angry, I was a complete lunatic. All I wanted to do was hurt people, I hated people. I was very much a lost soul at this point and wanted nothing to do with anyone. To me, having relationships with people just meant I would have to deal with more pain. I started selling drugs to get money to pay for my bar tabs and I hung out with guys that were definitely not looking out for my best interests. My life was a total mess to say the least. I had multiple times when I put a gun in my mouth hoping to end it all. I knew my family and friends would be devastated, but I just couldn’t take it anymore, I was at my end. The pain was way too much to bear. I slept next to a loaded gun every night waiting for another drug dealer to come breaking into my apartment because my “friends” decided it was a good idea to rob him of a few thousand dollars worth of pills. The paranoia was unbearable. It also didn’t help I was hallucinating from the drugs, and dark figures would always be standing in my room at night. Sometimes they would just sit there and watch me and other times they would walk around aimlessly. The fear was something not of this world! They were terrifying.
After a few years of living a life of constant partying, sex, drugs and going to bars, I knew I needed help. I started seeing a counselor and was surprised at how much garbage I had piled up inside of me. Some sessions I would ball my eyes out and other sessions I was extremely angry. However, I always left that office feeling better than I did going in, so I continued. The drugs and everything else were still very much a part of my life. I couldn’t quit, I was addicted. I started opening up to the idea that maybe there was someone who still cared…maybe Jesus still cared. Maybe, just maybe, he would reach down and save me from this pit I dug for myself years ago and couldn’t climb out of.
I had an old friend come to my apartment one night, he heard about everything I was doing and he begged me to go to church with him. I reluctantly said yes because I had nothing else better to do that night and let’s face it, I was totally hopeless. When we arrived I remember feeling like an ink spot in a bowl of milk. All these people had their act together (at least from an outward perspective) and here I was, a severely depressed drug addict, completely hopeless and full of rage. A man who had nothing good to show for his life but a few bags under my eyes from sleepless nights and the stench of alcohol on my breath from earlier that day. As the worship songs started I felt myself feeling totally overwhelmed and awkward. People had their hands raised praising Jesus and all I could do was stand there feeling like I didn’t even deserve to step foot through the doors. I kept my head down staring at the floor just waiting for all of it to end so I could go home and get drunk or high.
But then something happened, for the first time in years I felt warm inside. I can’t remember the worship song that was playing but I do remember the tears that flooded out of me like water released from a dam. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t know what this feeling was or where it was coming from, I just knew I wanted and NEEDED more of it! It kept building and building inside of me that I didn’t know what else to do but throw my hands up. My buddy put his hand on my shoulder and said “he’s got you now!!” I opened my eyes and looked back at him, he was smiling and holding back tears. The pastor came up to the mic and said there are some of you here that need a fresh start, that need to understand Jesus loves you. If that’s you, come down to the front and we will pray for you. It felt like he was speaking right to me, like his words were meant for me and no one else. I went straight to the front of the congregation and had a youth pastor pray for me. It was the first time in years that I have felt love like that and I didn’t want it to end. I went home that night and hit my knees. I begged Jesus to save me, to fix me. I started making a habit of praying every night before bed because I noticed whenever I would pray I felt better. I even started going to church on Sundays. After a little while of doing this, my priorities began changing. I wanted more and more of Jesus and less and less of the drugs and the partying. Jesus seemed to give me life and peace, and the drugs made my world dark and depressing. My so called “friends” seemed to now hate me for this new love. They would constantly make fun of me for going to church and mock Jesus while I was with them. I remembered Jesus saying “the world will hate you on account of me”. So I just kept going, reading and praying. For the first time in my life I knew Jesus didn’t hate me. I knew he loved me and he was for me. I knew he would go to war for me and would do anything possible to reach me. I didn’t know how he would fix me, but I KNEW he was there, I could feel his spirit with me and that encouraged me. He revealed himself in so many ways. . I started having dreams about him, prayers were getting answered, situations that I thought would never turn out well somehow ended up working out for me. I started seeing his love in nature and could recognize his spirit in others. I started caring more about people and not being so angry anymore. I started appreciating life and the small things we always seem to look past and take for granted. The skies seemed more blue than I could ever remember, the beautiful sunsets were always my time to smile and thank God for another day, and the nights weren’t so dark anymore. I walked away from my old group of guys I was hanging out with and Jesus replaced them with healthy, fun loving, like-minded people. There were, and still are, many things God has done and is doing in my life. I couldn’t possibly write them all down because this would go on for days! Jesus is truly alive and real and if you seek him, you will find him. Let go of everything you have ever heard about him and go find out for yourself! I think you’ll be surprised when you realize he’s nothing close to what you have always thought about him. He’s a million times better. Jesus has transformed my entire life. And yet, all he asks for in return, is my heart.
He has taken away my depression and filled me with gratitude and peace. He has taken away the drugs and filled me with love and fullness. He has taken away the alcohol and reminded me I can enjoy life without getting drunk. He brought love into my life by blessing me with two beautiful little boys that remind me daily I have a purpose. Jesus restores and transforms hearts because after all, he made them. He mends broken relationships, he redeems the broken hearted and welcomes the outcasts. He has compassion on the lost and searches for them daily. His love is what brought me to repentance and made all things new!
If you struggle with depression. . . Don’t quit. . Get help. I have been there, I know the battle! Counseling helped me, but ultimately what I needed was something deeper, something more real. Jesus has been the ONLY thing that has sustained me. He knows me better than I know myself and his love is better than anything I have ever experienced here on earth. He was the piece that was missing, the patch to the hole in my heart that I couldn’t fill with anything else. If you’re stuck inside the walls of your own prison like I was, Jesus is the ONLY one with the keys to set you free. Your life matters, your heart matters, and you HAVE NOT been forgotten! Cry out to him and trust him when he says he is with you. Plant the seed, water it, give it time and be patient. I promise you, God will do AMAZING things with it! He came here to give us life, and give it abundantly. You can sit back and read this and think “here we go. . . Another person preaching about Jesus. . “ and you know what. . . you’re right. I am going to praise his name, because he is the only one who cared for me when everyone else walked away. I am here today because of him and my life is nothing close to what it used to be because of him. I pray you find him, I pray you give him a chance, and when you talk to him, he will listen. You may have quit on him, but he will never quit on you. You might not be searching for him, but I promise he is searching for YOU! You are loved. . . Please believe that. You’re loved more than you will EVER know! Just please Keep fighting and NEVER give up!
The inscription on my old prison wall now reads “Drew (WAS) here”
I am free. . . . And you can be too.
Drew
Kim, August 2023
My testimony can be summed up in Pilippians 4:7; And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. This is a verse I was familiar with most my life, but it became the verse that got me beyond July 27, 2022.
I got a text on July 27th about 9pm from my sister-in-law asking if I had heard from my brother. She hadn’t been able to get in touch with him that evening and he was typically home by then. My heart jumped into my throat as she and I had just talked two days earlier about a comment he had made regarding death. I hadn’t even had a chance to process this conversation or tell my family, and here he is missing. I can’t describe the feelings I felt. The urgency to connect with my brother. The heartache and fear I experienced calling my dad and informing him we hadn’t heard from his son. And oh by the way, I didn’t get a chance to tell you this yet, but he has made a concerning comment recently. We began searching that night and two long days, filled with every emotion and thought you can and cannot imagine, we got the call that he had been found. Deceased. 47 years old. Leaving behind his wife of 23 years, his two sons, and our family, me. I didn’t get to say goodbye. His suicide completely blindsided me. Came out of left field. I never realized suicide was something he pondered, let alone planned. I never realized he was hurting to be honest. I saw his life from my rose colored glasses and thought all looked good. He was a successful home builder, owner of his own business, happily married, one boy graduated navy boot camp one month before and the other was beginning his high school career, beautiful house, and a new rescue pooch to top it off. Looked like a beautiful life to me. Looking in. He was my big brother who could do no wrong. I always looked up to him and always thought he was so cool. Loosing him like this, knowing he was hurting and I did nothing, shook my world.
I began to wonder why do we live on this earth? How can someone be in so much agony? How can someone have a desire to die and tell no one. How can someone just disappear from this earth without a goodbye. Gone. Where do they go? My brother can’t just be, poof, gone. Because if that’s all this is, then why do we live? Why do we tolerate sad times, heartache, emotional stress, suffering? If it’s all for not, why do it at all?
My family and I were searching for answers and wondering where he could be now. Where does one go after death? As I was driving home one afternoon, deep in thought about God, Jesus, suicide, heaven and hell I happened to glance at my dash and saw “See you on the other side” by Ozzy Osborne playing on the radio station. I rarely listen to the radio in my car. Not before my brother’s death, and certainly not after. Too much going on inside my head to try to attend to music. But something made this title catch my eye at this exact moment. September 3, 12:46 pm. I turned up the volume and listened. It spoke to me directly and I knew my brother was in Heaven and I knew I needed to figure out how I could ensure I got there too so I could see him again one day. Or as my little sister said at his visitation, “If he was here right now, I’d punch him in the face.” She was always tougher than me. This moment, listening to Ozzy, inspired me to figure out exactly what I believe, and why I believe it. I was set on seeing my brother again.
I decided I’d read the Bible, cover to cover. I used the Bible Recap to keep me on track. Beginning September 10, 2022 I began my search for truth and understanding. I began reading and could’t put the Bible down. I would read 2-3-4 days worth at a time. I was beginning to see the light. On October 26, 2022 I read the verse that detailed my searching.
For you have said, “Seek my Face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Psalm 27:8.
I was in real need of truth, understanding, and comfort. It wasn’t until March 1st, 26 days before I would finish the Bible, that I could accept that I may never understand why my brother did what he did, but I could believe that Jesus Christ came to save us all and that God is worthy of our faith in his promise to redeem us and grant us eternal life. I could not find one lie that was ever told, one promise that was broken. I saw a God who loved his people so much that he was willing to give himself, to put himself through the struggles of human life. To put himself through human persecution, suffering and physical torture to offer us the gift of salvation and eternity with Him, the I Am. He is worthy of my faithfulness whether I understand why or not. He is the peace that surpasses all understanding. His promise provides my hope. I can believe there is a bigger picture for good and grander plan for eternal happiness than what I experience in my short number of years on this earth.
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