Thanksgiving is one sleep away and I am pondering the many things I have to be thankful for. It has been a year and 4 months since my brother committed suicide. One year and four months since life as I knew it flipped a 180. Before July 2022 I would have told you life is generally good. I was consumed with things like work, vacations, friends and family, hobbies. I moved through each day without a thought given to why or how things happened in my life. Looking back, I just took advantages of opportunities that presented themselves in my favor and made choices that were self serving. I was pretty pleased where I had gotten myself. Not a single thought given to the fact that all the things that made up my life, all the things that consumed my time and my thoughts were not “mine” at all. Not a single one of those cars, jobs, vacations, purchases were going to be with me for eternity. I was focused on the Right Now of life. What do I need right now? What can I get right now? Who is bothering me right now and how should I react right now? It was a day to day way of living. It was empty and I didn’t know it until I was hit in the heart with death. I didn’t know it until I saw my brother die and take not a single one of the things he worked himself to death doing, he didn’t take a single one with him. He was alive one day and gone the next. I was in shock. How does that happen? It didn’t feel real. I kept picturing him with us at every turn. I could visualize his body, his mannerism, his facial expressions right there with us, but he was gone. GONE.
When we loose something we say it’s gone. When we throw something away or eat something we say it’s gone. Those are tangible and visual expressions of gone. We had a book, the book is gone. We ate cake, the cake is gone. But when someone dies and we say they are gone, the truth is only their spirit is gone. Their body remains. We have the tangible body to bury, but the person inside, their soul is what is gone. When my brother was gone it ate me up wondering where did he go? Where did his soul go, because his body is right here? It was hard for me to wrap my head around. I just couldn’t make sense of it.
This is when my true story of thankfulness begins. If you have read my testimony on that page of this blog, you know I found Christ during my searching for where my brother went. It was in this searching that Jesus opened my eyes to see what matters in life is not others perception of me. It isn’t what vacation can I take next, or how much money did I make this month. Jesus opened my eyes to the gospel. I began to see that my soul is who I am. Not all those little things that I was hustling around everyday trying to attain and earn and do. My soul is who I am and my soul is eternal. It is eternal whether or not I believe in Christ. The body remains, but the soul lives on. Through the grace of God I now recognize my soul needed healing. My soul, who I am, needed saving in order to find real fulfillment. Hustling around doing and getting wasn’t enough. That’s why I was always searching for what was to come next. I was trying to find contentment and peace in the things of this world and through the death of my brother I found contentment and peace through a relationship with Christ. Contentment and peace comes from knowing my soul will rest in eternity with God Almighty. And not through anything I have done to earn that place with him, but through accepting His gift to me and realizing that His way of living is a way more fulfilling way to live on this earth.
I am thankful today that the Lord gave me a brave brother who fearlessly took on the world. I count myself as one of the lucky ones to have known him. I can proudly say I am his sister. I looked up to him so. By fearlessly leaving this world, his transition became a guiding light into the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. I am thankful for the promise of eternity without suffering. With the teachings of our Heavenly Father I have come to recognize the things I was focused on achieving and getting and doing are frivolous. Just at the things I was jealous of, worried about, and missing out on are frivolous. This isn’t to say that all these things don’t sneak up on me, they do, but with the fruits of spirit and the gospel of Jesus I am better equipped to steer my life and thoughts in the right directions. When I remind myself how short this earthly life is and I set my thoughts on love, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness and self-control my soul is content and fulfilled. Always.
This is my prayer for you. When you are in a dark place and feel there are no other options, my prayer is that you will allow Jesus the opportunity to make a way for you. I hope that by reading my story and hearing how I am able to give thanks in spite of traumatically loosing someone so dear to me through giving my life, including my thoughts, wants, and actions to Jesus you will begin to seek Him. You will find healing powers in Jesus. The gospel never promised our walk on earth would be without trouble. In fact, He tells us “In this world you will have trouble” John 16:33, but by seeking Him through reading and studying He will give you the strength to overcome. I believe and to Him be the glory.